Dishonest Daily

EUROPE – Appreciation to a man who, like cast-aways on “Lost”, respects the rules.

Samir Maloney, a talented Egyptian footballer of Irish descent, was recently promoted to captain by his teammates after making a rather unique sacrifice for his club.

The ‘No-Hands’ Rule in Football (or Soccer) states: the only player on the field that can use hands and arms is the goalie (keeper). The goalie is able to pick up the soccer ball and throw it.

So, in a sport where the 10 other players cannot “handle” the ball, there’s only one true method of preventing such an indiscretion: to cut off your hands. And that’s exactly what the American born striker did after last week’s costly handball knocked the league favorites out of the top spot.

One of Maloney's many intentional handballs this season.

Fearing that his actions on the pitch could cost his team the season, Maloney decided to have his hands amputated. “Every remaining game is do or die,” Samir said. “When considering our chances of winning the league, I decided that putting the interests of my team ahead of, say those of my wife, was the best move for my career and the club.”

When asked to expand on the difficulty of such a decision, Maloney put it simply. “Look, it’s no secret that I have a penchant for grabbing the ball mid-flight. Plus, I’m a striker and I rarely take throw-ins. The decision was quite simple, actually.”

After practicing all week, Maloney will suit up at home this Saturday against the club’s cross town rivals. David Bolero, Samir’s veteran teammate, is excited to see his friend return without missing much action. “It’s amazing how quickly Samir has recovered!” Bolero exclaimed. “He’s looked strong all week during practice. I’d say he’s playing with more confidence than ever.”

As for the surgery, Samir described it as being quick and simple. “Two clean cuts,” Samir mentioned without remorse.” In response to Maloney’s use of an ousted Al-Qaeda operative to perform the surgery, David Bolero agreed that “if you’re going to do it, use someone with experience. With this type of thing, you better get it right the first time.” As for the rest of the club, those two swift swings may be most important ‘strikes’ of their season.

Notorious ball handler, Thierry Henry, uses his hand to send France to the World Cup Finals, eliminating Ireland in the process.

“I think many players will begin to see the benefits of having no hands,” said Maloney’s manager, Ferdinand Von Troyer. ”Especially with footballers like Samir, whose habits could cost their team the league or even the World Cup.” In describing success with Maloney’s new look, Von Troyer added, “if we’re defending a one goal lead in the 90th minute, having Samir on the pitch without any hands may be just the thing our team needs to bring home the trophy”.

Notorious ball handler Thierry Henry, believes this trend may catch on. “There are obvious benefits to having no hands in football,” said France’s superstar striker. “I’m seriously considering the surgery”.

Said Maloney of a future without hands, “I’m just grateful I don’t have an impulsive head-butting problem. I’m not sure I could have made the same sacrifice if that was the case.”

Maloney, shown participating in practice this week, will no longer worry about impulsive ball handling.

You can watch Samir and his club play this Saturday at 10:00 EST on GolTV.

Tarek Pertew @TarekP

-Dishonest Daily

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