The earthquake felt in Miami when the news struck that Lebron James and Chris Bosh would be joining Dwyane Wade and the Miami Heat, was equivalent to a 7.0 on any Richter Scale. And I mean any Richter Scale. The after-shock of Zyldrinus Ilgaskus was even bigger. Perhaps an 11.7 or even 11.8 on most Richter Scales.
There is only so much a city can take in a year, let alone a week. Minutes after catching our breath from 5 nights of binging, partying, cavorting, snorting, farting, punching and prayer, the NBA pushed our heads back under for more with the Miami Heat signing of Zildriuns ILguskus.
Dreaming of Zildranus. Before a Possible Championship
Now Definitely a Championship!
Miami ‘heated’ up for the arrival of Bosh and James, but Pat Riley, perhaps the most polarizing figure in NBA history, has truly laid napalm on this poor city by pulling an impossible ace from his sleeve.
“Not even Zalguiknus knew he was coming. That’s how shocking this whole thing is. Late last night I drove to his house myself, gagged him, bound his hands, punched his wife, threw him in the back of my Honda Element, left the money in Dan Gilbert’s mailbox, with a carbon copy of a contract I drew up myself, and brought Iljgouskus to Miami.”
Commenting on his frame of mind, Riley stated, “I was drunk! I don’t even remember doing it. I was just as shocked as everyone else when I heard the news this morning.”
Pat Riley Drunk
Riley will not be charged with kidnapping. Commenting on the contract, Cavalier’s owner Dan Gilbert states, “The contract was remarkably professional. A bit tough to read, but there was no stone left unturned”.
When asked to comment further on the former Cleveland Cavalier Iglauksuews, Gilbert directed his words to his fans, “You simply don’t deserve this kind of cowardly betrayal…and to you Zilkkdalrus, have fun screwing Lebron on South Beach. Don’t get sand in your ass!”
Whether the city has recovered is not a concern. The single most important signing in sports history must have its just desserts, so ESPN plans on bringing the fans of Miami back out for another welcome party and presumably 5 or 6 more days of partying, raping, shooting, sniffing, loving, cursing and prayer for this even bigger piece of history.
Heat Fans Celebrating Arrival of Ilgauwskews
With Zilakruns Ilgouhskas in Miami, the Heat feel they now have a chance at delivering that long awaited trophy into the home of this NBA icon and his supporting cast of Chris Bosh, Dwyane Wade, Lebron James, and all those other players that don’t really count.
By Tarek (@tarekp)
Some Basketball Tees (click on picture for redirect):
